Poetry

Tricks and Treats (but mostly tricks)

October 29, 2016October 29, 2016 Alex Schumacher

Howdy kids and welcome back to another woefully delayed update on this site’s blog. To be fair I have been fucking crazed these past few weeks wrapping up some projects, beginning others, drinking due to the upcoming horror show of an election, etc. Anyway, before I disappear into veritable artist hibernation to complete the pitch on my new graphic novel for my agent I wanted to update my 3 loyal readers on current goings-on.

October kicked off with a god-damn explosion courtesy of the fantastic folks over at Drunk Monkeys. This month’s issue was dedicated to the current election cycle, spotlighting the absolute absurdity of this nation’s deteriorated political landscape which has allowed a fucking xenophobic, misogynistic buffoon to have a leg in the race. When asked to produce the cover for the collection of essays and poems I scratched out several concepts before settling on an image which I thought summed up the overall lunacy of the campaigns tactical approaches.

The full version, as well as excerpts from the issue, can be viewed on Amazon where you can also purchase the stellar magazine! Amongst impressive missives by my writing cohorts Kim Bailey Deal, Gabriel Richard, Charles Joseph, and Editor-in-Chief Matthew Guerruckey you will also find the latest misadventure of that sick little monkey MR. BUTTERCHIPS. Check out the preview below and find out how it concludes only at Drunk Monkeys!

As of Friday October 21st my weekly DECADES OF (in)EXPERIENCE wrapped it’s first year of publication with Antix Press! An entire year of wrong turns and sharp lefts provided by our fallible anti-hero Luke Carlin. Antix Press and I will be taking the remainder of the year off, but plan to return on January 6th 2017 full of piss and vinegar. Read the final episode here and stay tuned for news and possibly a special feature in the next few weeks.

It was also recently announced that I will be a guest at December’s Salinas Valley Comic Con alongside cartoonists Bridgett Spicer, Betsy Streeter, and the Cartoon Art Museum’s own Andrew Farago. I will be sitting on a panel or two and possibly teaching a workshop on graphic novels… or writing… or how to create whilst drunk. For more details and updates visit the official facebook page here.

Now my dearest degenerates I will be taking my leave and burying my head in a pile of Word docs and artwork drenched in my own blood and entrails. The coffee is hot, the whiskey is on deck for this evening, and I am off to the races on the graphic novel track. I will make a concerted effort to update again before the holidays send the rest of my year into a 90 degree free-fall, but if I don’t quite accomplish said goal I’ll see you all on the other side of 2016. You’ll recognize me as the belligerent drunk covered in ink.

Most importantly… Happy Halloween, y’all! Let your fright flag fly.

Updates and other nonsense

March 2, 2016 Alex Schumacher

The first two months of the year have already flashed by. The battle royal for the presidential nomination continues to be a traveling circus of buffoonery. Another shooting occurred on the East side. My bank account is dwindling and my blood pressure is rising. If I were an optimistic sort I would reckon the year could only vastly improve from here. If I were an optimistic sort I doubt my inconsequential ramblings would be as entertaining for those of you out there taking a break from the free porn or cat videos on Youtube. While I may not occupy the most self-affirming corner of this here internet, I like to believe I offer a little something more than the skewed factoids and memes that go viral. That little something is some god-damn honesty. The world sucks. People suck. You either learn to carve out a meager life worth living or just say fuck it and learn to tie a noose. Hopefully you opt for the meager life. Not because I give a shit, but because I have so few readers as it is and I appreciate you wasting some time on my words.

Speaking of which, a number of new pieces were rescued from the wild recently. Unfortunately they can’t be tamed, but they will sit still long enough for you to feast your eyes upon them.

On February 16, Dead Snakes brought two of my poems to the masses. Landmines and A Walk Through Old-Town were chosen to be featured, and I thank this kick ass poetry site for allowing me some shelf space. Both poems touch on the despondency and uncertainty we face as we waltz through this crazy life. Unfortunately there’s no road map to success and some of us find ourselves making wrong turns here and there. These two pieces tell it like it is. Nothing more and nothing less.
A short story of mine entitled Steer into the Sunset was published by Cultured Vultures on February 19, bringing a raw piece of my soul and background to those who are interested. Coming from a broken home is never easy. Having an outlet to work through some of the long-term ramifications keeps me from putting my head through the plate glass. I sweat blood for everything that I write, and this short story is no exception.
On March 1st The Corvus Review released its Winter issue, and with it my story about trippin’ balls A Response to Mushrooms. If there is any advice I can pass on to the younger generation it would be this: hash and acid do NOT mix. Download issue 4W’16 (for free!) and educate yourself on the effects of such a potent combination on page 91. Party on and make sure you ingest one mind-altering chemical at a time. Trust someone who can tell you a thing or two about a bad trip…
Bread Crumbs from the Void, my weekly tough love article for Five 2 One Magazine just wrapped up its first month. So far I’ve covered the grueling practice of submitting your work for publication, the reprehensible act of schmoozing and networking, how to survive the wilds of rejection, and evaluating the quality of your own work. To be clear, this is NOT an instructional column. I will never profess the secrets and mysteries of writing can be distilled into a curriculum. You can learn form and function, but I believe the best work throws that shit out the window. There are a ton of topics yet to be covered. See what I’m venting about every Wednesday on the Five 2 One site!

Decades of (in)Experience is already over four months deep! Considering the illustrated serialized flash fiction weekly (for lack of an existing term) began as an experiment with my publisher Antix Press, we could not be more fucking proud of the progress. The feature, as well as its anti-hero Luke, will continually evolve, distort, and defy expectations. There may be some rather exciting things in store for Decades of (in)Experience, including the possibility of a print collection. If I may so humbly request, be sure to tell everyone—scumbag friends, prison pen-pals, grandmother’s depends-changers—about the feature. Without y’all we’re just a couple of curmudgeons telling each other dirty jokes.

Thanks for hanging. Now throw a few back for hump day! I know I’m going to. Later, skaters.

That’s Amore! Maybe it’s indigestion…

February 9, 2016 Alex Schumacher

Another year older, another year surprised I made it this far. Pleasantly surprised, but surprised nonetheless.

2016 is upon us and it has proven to be nothing but eventful thus far, aside from El Niño which was disappointingly underwhelming. The holidays through the beginning of the year was little more than a blur, balancing time between dysfunctional families and the suffocating deadlines of writing/comics projects. It also may have had something to do with the liberal alcohol intake. Now as the last echoes of sleigh bells and good cheer finally dissipates, and we enter the month commonly associated with schmaltzy love, I find myself in the midst of new opportunities and freshly squeezed work.

The Hobo Camp Review, a gathering place for road-weary storytellers, featured my poem Ballad of an Echo Boomer in their Winter/Western themed issue released on January 17th, 2016. Unless you’re part of the one percent, you’ve often wondered why your life didn’t end up quite how you planned. My poem distills those forlorn sentiments into twenty-eight lines coated in gravel and broken glass.
On March 1st The Corvus Review will release its Winter issue, and with it my psychedelic short story A Response to Mushrooms. While this particular anecdote about tripping balls may or may not be based on a actual events, I can report that the sensation of your internal organs shutting down individually is unequivocally the least enjoyable experience while under the influence. That is, from what I’ve been told. By a friend. A friend who was definitely not me.
I’m also pleased to announce I’ve been tapped by the freak-tastic Five 2 One Magazine to be one of their new staff writers alongside Charles Joseph and Damian Rucci! My column Bread Crumbs from the Void will appear on Wednesdays, exploring the masochistic practices of writing, submitting, and whatever the fuck else I feel like ranting about. Sounds like a hoot, right kids? Be sure to check it out starting February 10th, 2016 only on Five 2 One Magazine!

The Decades of (in)Experience crazy train continues to barrel down the line, gaining momentum and (hopefully) readership. With the feature’s biting take on the fledgling lives of tail-end Gen X-ers, what’s not to love? If it’s the weekly feature you love to hate, even better! Either way, help my publisher Antix Press spread the word about the internet’s best kept dirty little secret. Tell your friends how much you dig it on Facebook. Tell your tree-hugging group all about your contempt for the main character Luke Carlin (or me) on Twitter. Whether you’re stirring up genuine interest or spiteful controversy you’ll have my eternal gratitude.

Be sure to poke around the site a bit as I’ve updated a few of the pages as well as added one for my work in comics. Until next time folks, remember that Valentines Day was invented by candy companies and based on the legend of a Roman Saint who was beheaded due to religious persecution. So, if you have someone in your life who actually tolerates your shit, let them know how much you appreciate them all year round.

Smell ya later.

Open wide 2016, here we come.

December 16, 2015 Alex Schumacher

2015 was kind of a fucked up year in the world, and I for one am looking forward to bidding it good riddance. That said, there’s been a handful of not-so-terrible moments along the way as well. A number of said moments happened to involve my writing. While it will never save the world, my scribbling has certainly saved me from ruin a time or two. This year saw a few of my pieces published (with more to come next year), a draft of my first novel completed, and the debut of my weekly feature Decades of (in)Experience. To say the least, it’s been entertaining to see my words set loose upon the world for anyone who cares to read and enjoy them. Reactions of scorn and derision are welcome too. I always enjoy a good fire-fight.

Some of you may have already discovered my work. Some of you may not have. In what will probably be my last post of the year, I’ve decided to update those who care about such things on the stories, poems, and other published oddities which are or will be available for your peepers.

On November 15, Yellow Chair Review included my poem, Random Texts to the One You Love in issue number 5 of their online magazine. Go here to view the issue. You can find my poem on pg. 50.
The Hobo Camp Review, a gathering place for road-weary storytellers, will feature my poem Ballad of an Echo Boomer in their Winter/Western themed issue set to be live on January 5, 2016. There’s no warmer feeling than being welcomed by a group of digital vagrants interested in narratives that sound great read aloud beneath a railroad bridge at night. Proud to be a part of the camp.
As we slide right into next year aided by copious amounts of temporal lube, my short story A Response to Mushrooms will also see the light of day thanks to Corvus Review. February 2, 2016 will see the unveiling of their Winter issue and, along with it, my story highlighting a wild ride while under the influence of a very specific type of psychedelic.

For previously published stories and poems, feel free to take a gander at the update from October 28th of this year, or visit the published words section of my site. Last, and possibly least, be sure to keep up with everyone’s favorite thirty-something curmudgeon in Decades of (in)Experience, appearing every Friday only on the Antix Press site. If you dig the salty flavor I humbly ask only that you help us spread the word.

More rants and ramblings guaranteed in the new year, kiddos. Until that time keep smiling, keep shining knowing you can always count on booze. Have a happy whatever-the-hell you celebrate, and I’ll see y’all on the other side in 2016!

Poetry shit

End of October update

October 28, 2015 Alex Schumacher

No, your eyes do not deceive you, this is actually a second post inside of a month! There have been a number of developments recently and instead of expecting the countless attention-deficit web-surfers to hang on my every depraved word via social media (the links are to the right if you’ve got the stomach), I thought I’d give a rundown of what’s come so far in one convenient location.

Don’t say I never gave you anything, ingrates.

On Monday, October 5th, Drunk Monkeys published my short story Rock the Cash Bar. It’s the uplifting tale of a groomsman participating in his sister’s wedding whilst fed up with the very notion of love, scoffing and sulking his way through the ordeal. If that sounds like a hoot of a read to you, preview an excerpt here and then hop on over to Drunk Monkeys to take it all in.
October 21st saw the release of the new issue of The Round Up Writer’s ‘Zine featuring another short story of mine entitled Loathe and an Elevator. In this yarn, our narrator recalls the end of a particularly tumultuous relationship culminating in the titular emotion and man-made structure. The editor called it “a hilarious piece full of snarky commentary”. Get yourself a taste here, and then run, do not walk god-damn it, run to The Round Up Writer’s ‘Zine and download the current issue.
Then, coming this Friday, October 30th, to an internet-capable device near you will be my new weekly feature Decades of (in)Experience! I’ve partnered with online publisher Antix Press to bring you the saga of Luke Carlin, a thirty-something victim of his generation and prisoner of the millennial zeitgeist. You’ll be able to follow his misadventures every Friday, drinking and ranting along with a fella who, like many of us, lives paycheck-to-paycheck and never received the instruction manual to life.

I’ll catch up with you in a few weeks with a fistful of announcements about upcoming projects and published pieces, including poetry to be included in the November issue of Yellow Chair Review. Until then, I bid you a feigned farewell and wish you a happy (and hopefully inebriated) Halloween! Spirits indeed…

October news and updates

September 30, 2015 Alex Schumacher

Fall, the last quarter, and my favorite time of the year is upon us. The weather drops, heralding the break-neck ride into the holiday season where good cheer, germs, and the almighty dollar are scattered with reckless abandon. This year as we head into October, I’d like to toss y’all some stale bread crumbs leading to some new work:

On Monday October 5th Drunk Monkeys will be publishing my short story Rock the Cash Bar. They are self-described as “Part Literary Magazine/Part Film Blog/Totally Original”, and have committed themselves to publishing work that’s as eclectic as possible, from some of the most exciting emerging voices in the literary scene. Find them on Facebook here and visit their site here, where you will be able to read my story.
With a release date to be determined, The Round Up Writer’s Zine will feature my short story Loathe and an Elevator in their October issue. They are devoted to fresh and relatively unpublished writers, with a particular interest in transgressive pieces, dark humor and works laced in sarcasm. If this is your brand of whiskey—I sure as hell know it’s mine—join The Round Up on Facebook here and find their site here. Check both places or back here for the release date.
Beginning October 19th Antix Press will begin running my weekly illustrated feature, Decades of (in)Experience. Without divulging too much, it’s about navigating the tempestuous and fucked up waters of adulthood… Without so much as a clue of what it means to be an adult. Your guess is as good as mine. Antix Press will begin running teasers soon in preparation and anticipation of the big launch, so be sure to visit them here.
While this is a bit further out, the November issue of The Yellow Chair Review will feature a poem of mine entitled Random Texts to the One You Love. They are a newer journal seeking work that is deep down in your guts, work that makes you churn and makes you ache. I’m thrilled they saw the bloodshed in my piece and am looking forward to unleashing it on the world. Go say howdy to them on Facebook here and pore over their site here. Be sure to tell ’em who sent you!

Thanks for sticking with me through the flash flood of news. There’s much more to come, with a herd of rehabilitated short stories and poems released into the wild, as well as developments on the novel, and projects in the works. So come on back and be sure to also follow me on Twitter @AJSchumacherart for nuggets of gold, profanity, and self-indulgent profundities.

Salud!

Lynch the Literati!

September 19, 2015 Alex Schumacher

Just a quick update this time around, giving a bit of a recap on my reading at the XL Publichouse last Saturday, September 12th.

A decent sized, mostly attentive crowd indulged me through about an hour and a half of poetry. The craft beer served by the bar is strong, so I’m certain liberal imbibing played at least a small role in the response from those in attendance. When all was said and done, 21 poems—mostly in prose format—were served up hot and steaming. A few generous souls took pity and treated me to a drink. By the last poem I’m not certain whether or not I was even speaking English anymore, but everyone seemed entertained, if nothing else. I couldn’t ask for anything more.

There are some bad ass announcements coming early next month. No bullshit, there’s some cool things in the works. C’mon back in October for the scoop, y’hear?

September news and updates

September 5, 2015 Alex Schumacher

Here we are, folks, already in the 9th month of 2015. I don’t know about you, but it’s been a god-damn whirlwind for me!

For this go-round I just wanted to share a couple of quick updates.

In a week (Saturday September 12, 2015) I will be reading some selected poems, flash fiction, and story excerpts at the XL Publichouse in Salinas, CA. For more information you can visit the events page here, or see the Facebook advertisement here. If you’re in the area come on out, have a few drinks with me, and let’s get rowdy! Show starts at 9pm.

Shaping up nicely is a weekly feature which will be running soon on the Antix Press site. Though I can’t reveal too much as of now, it will be launching in October of this year so keep an eye out here for the official announcement.

More news coming soon-ish on short stories, poems, and the novel. Until then, check out some of my words, and have a great Labor Day weekend! I’ll be downing a few and hope you will be too.

Salud and bottoms up!